Adult Dating: When You Want More Than Just a Spark!

The last time I kissed a guy was after a really long time, and I was ready to put myself out there again. I didn't give much thought to it, and I gave into my indulgence. Little did I know, I was up for a disappointment...

Dating for real is different because you aren't looking for love; you are looking for a similar wavelength and understanding. You are clear about what doesn't work for you because you have had enough of it. I don't know what I want because I have never exactly got it, and I looked for it in the wrong places. Hence, when someone treats me right, it comes as a shocker because I am not used to nice guy behaviour. 

Also, grown-up dating is daunting because you have to become vulnerable to build a deeper relationship with someone. Finally, when I decided to keep my physical desires in the back seat of my car, things became scary because lust could give me the courage to do things desperately without giving it much thought. But when you want to build something strong and long-lasting, two people must have long, boring, uncomfortable, and honest encounters. I second, it's easy to undress your body in front of someone, but not your mind. It needs courage and readiness. 

Many of us aren't aware of what an actual relationship or a marriage needs for it to work. I am shit scared to be with someone in a real deal because he will be able to spot my bluff in a heartbeat. However, at the same time, I would want nothing less than that! I am aware that good things take time, but I am unsure if it's even possible for me. You know when something takes too long to work, you start doubting yourself(play the blame game) because that's the easiest thing to do. 

I know I am not pricy or too much. I know how I want to be treated, and I have a clear set of boundaries, even for my close ones. I find it funny when boys with little minds and fragile egos find such self-awareness off-putting and call me with colourful adjectives, such as dominating, controlling, rude, strict, and the list goes on. What they don't realize is it takes a long journey to set healthy boundaries and patience to avoid worthless people. I have had my fair share of the bare minimum.

I am pretty sure every smart, successful, beautiful female whose single for a long time starts doubting(at some point of time) herself because guys don't make the amount of effort they should. These days guys like it easy and if they don't get it then they move on. No wonder, more women are playing roles of men and feel left out. We slowly become the man we want to be with! Hell! That's exactly what's happening to me. And we are certainly in no mood to raise a man-child. 

That's why the last time when someone showed interest in me, I let him play by his rules to see how he played the game. And to my dismay, I came across someone who had an unresolved, unfinished, and irresponsible persona because he refused to get out of his comfort zone and grow. One day, I decided to step back and quietly observe his true nature by reducing my interactions. He chose to embrace my silence without any resistance or complaint. And even after kissing him, I couldn't gather the courage or logic (And the worst of all the right) to fight with-him-thanks to the modern-day dating scenes!! And just like that, we became strangers again.

I felt terrible that he just saw me as a potential fuck! For a fraction of a moment, I blamed myself for opening up to someone, but I quickly realized there was nothing wrong with it. I was enough, but he wasn't, even for himself! I realized I ain't alone in this journey, we just don't talk about such things often and that makes it heavy on our heart. Now that it's over, I feel maybe I should have used my brain and shouldn't have kissed him because at least we would have had a cordial or civil relationship. 

This experience left me dishearten. I don't have it in me to reacquaint myself with him, in different bodies with other names. Publishing this experience is my way of pacifying my disappointment and channelling energy for something better than feeling bad about myself. On the plus side, I am aware I don't have millions of readers to be curious about my personal life. But I am clean bowled by this curveball. 

The Queen of Random Things