As a kid, I was afraid of the dark. Decades ago, sleeping around 11 was considered late. Watching television till late hours was counted as a luxury, and it was worth it. Now, because everyone in my home has the habit of sleeping around 10 PM. I was the only one watching Saturday night movies during school days. I used to run after switching off everything, thinking something would chase me from the dark if I didn't reach my room quickly. Every one of us has done that!
I grew up a little and my fear changed in the form of dogs. I used to maintain a reasonable distance from them. Before learning to swim, I was scared of deep water. I think uncharted territory scares us because of the lack of knowledge. We don't know what to expect from ourselves, as most of our fears are inbuilt, and we don't know what or how we would react in an unknown situation.
Growing up, my fears took various forms and eventually, I got over them because either I had to face them or I had gained knowledge about them. Each one of us has learned this lesson somewhere during childhood/teenage. Nevertheless, we tend to forget such vital lessons once we grow up and make our fears our enemy. That's the stupidest thing we do as an adult. In other words, not facing our demons doesn't make us strong, it makes us weak and slows us down. Sometimes, they convert into burdens and live with us for the rest of our lives.
In childhood, we openly accepted our fears of dark, insects, bicycles and the list goes on. As an adult, we changed our fears into barricades such as I don't want to be in a serious relationship, I don't want to fall in love, I don't want to invest in people and my personal favorite, I don't care! We close our hearts and minds after one heartbreak and bitter experience. Instead of fixing that wound, we ignore it and don't let it heal. Consequently, the wound becomes big and creates other issues, preventing us from being carefree. Hence, the variations of adult horror in the name of childhood trauma, trust issues, emotionally unavailable, and whatnot.
Sometimes, the more we make peace with our problems, the easier it becomes for us to live with them. There is nothing like self talk. Our negative emotions want us to acknowledge and accept them, that's it. Sometimes healing is sitting with your demons and letting them rant without any judgment. Instead of fighting against them, we need to fight with them as a team. And once you make peace with yourself, the healing journey starts. Now, I ain't saying it's a cakewalk. It takes time, energy, effort, courage, forgiveness, self-awareness, and most importantly, readiness. Nothing comes easy, but as a result, you get a new version of yourself. There are problems with no solutions, but we can't run away from them. Maybe we need to change our perspective towards them and handle differently. There are some problems that even I feel like running away from, but I know that's not going to do any good.
But one thing I like doing the most is standing on the balcony late at night in silence. It gives me immense peace and calm. I gaze at the sky and try to listen to my thoughts because you need silence to listen to your mind. Sometimes I enjoy the moment, relishing a beverage on the side. Sometimes I cry till I feel better. Sometimes I stare and follow a plane or a cloud until it vanishes from my sight. I know I don't have solutions to problems, each time, but I befriend my negative emotions and acknowledge their existence. After this process, I take a deep breath, look at the sky, thank the superior power for giving me this moment, and go back to bed.
Nothing changes in the world after that, but something shifts within me. I feel a little less anxious, a little less worried, a little less heavy. It helps me to gather the courage and face the complications in front of me with stability in mind that I might lose or win, but I have to keep at it for myself.
Though, I do wonder, how other people - strong people, sensible people fight their limitations. That’s why I often ask quietly, how do you fight your fear?
The Queen of Random things
xoxo
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