I'm Scared of 'Moving On'

People with high-functioning depression (or even normal depression) sometimes make a home in a traumatic pattern environment. When someone with a lack of motivation and consistent low mood, obligates their daily routine is a victim of this issue. The correct measure to identify your mental health is loneliness. When being alone scares you and the thought of being with your thoughts sends chills down your spine, understand that there is something wrong within you, which needs healing. It takes time, courage, patience, acceptance and an abundance of self-love to come out of it. And I promise you, there is a brand-new world at the end of the tunnel with unlimited opportunities and possibilities. 

In order to get rid of a bad habit a drug addict in a rehab will face multiple withdrawal symptoms. Those symptoms are signals that the addict is on the right path, but his body is currently rejecting the healthy adaption because it’s used to the drug abuse. Coming out of any mental issue is the same. When your mind has made a home out of negative patterns and behaviours, it becomes difficult for it to accept the positivity you try to bring into your life. There will be a huge battle between the older version and the potentially healthier version. That’s the fight one needs to win, no matter what! 

Rubik's Cubes के साथ खेलते खेलते मैंने ज़िंदगी के बारे में बहुत ख़ूबसूरत चीज़ समझी है. मैंने ये सीखा है की ज़िंदगी में मुश्किलें और अपने आप को सुलझाने के लिए उलझना ज़रूरी है. Let me explain it. While solving the last tire of 3 tire Rubik's cube, the player has to go through a process in which he/she messes up the whole cube, making others(people who do not know how to play) think the player is spoiling the whole square. But it is the part of the process that solve the whole cube. Just like that, we have to trust the typhoon-like process to come out stronger and sorted.  

But remember, healing takes time. It’s an ongoing process. It doesn’t happen overnight and defiantly doesn’t happen when you stop working on yourself. Healing brings peace, liberation, relief, deep breaths, inner joy, charm and many more things. But healing also brings isolation, facing & accepting your weakness, mood swings, crying sessions, speechlessness, detachment and other heavy things. No one talks about the latter part. There are always two sides of the coin. 

The great spiritual teacher S.N. Goenkaji once said, "We keep changing every minute. I am not the same person I was an hour ago." Everyday something changes inside and around us, but it is so trivial that we forget to notice it. However, when you look back after a long time you can distinctly see the difference. But what about changes that need manual efforts over organic process? Breaking old patterns isn’t easy because even though it’s painful there is familiarity in it. Even though we could never find a way to cope with the trauma, it made us feel better in the strangest ways. I guess that’s why people say, a known devil is better than an unknown Angel. But that’s the most asinine thing to believe in. 

When I reached the other side of the tunnel, it was scary. It still is! Making myself free from the old cycle was all I wanted when I was inside the tunnel, but somewhere I didn’t want to leave at the end of it because it made me feel at home as I lived in it for years. There are flowers, green grass, unicorns and rainbows on the brighter side, but I am petrified because this is all unfamiliar to me. I have heard about this beautiful place, seen pictures and always wished to live in it. I haven’t figured out how I will handle rain and thorns of the brighter side as I have no memo on it. Finally, when I am on this side somewhere I miss the darkness of the tunnel because I could hide in it and be in my comfort zone. A comfort zone is a lovely place to be, but there is no growth in it. And I want to grow and explore. 

Yes, I do miss the old version of me because this new person in the mirror is an acquaintance to me. I know her, but I don’t recognize her. I am still getting the hang of it. And now with first-hand experience, I can say, if it scares the shit out of you, it’s worth taking the risk! So yes, I am scared of moving on, but I am going to keep up with my pace.

More power to you, my dear reader until the next blog.....

The Queen of the Random things 

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