50 Shades Of Insecurity

It has only been a month in 2023 and I guess I have learned one of my biggest lessons of the year. It is amazing how many things you can learn when you are open to possibilities. A couple of months ago I lost one of my close friends. The trauma of losing the person was huge and impacted me greatly, but what scared me the most was the fear of losing myself in the process. For the longest time, I didn't face reality because I hated it and I didn't want to accept it. I ran out as soon as I was done with my work and lost myself in the middle of the crowd, where I could avoid my thoughts. The thing about sorrow is: The more you push it down thinking it will go, the more strongly it bounces back from left and right. I knew I had to sit alone and face it. A part of me hated the weak version of myself and I couldn't bear to see myself so vulnerable on losing the person. 

I didn't like that version of me and even people around me were not able to accept me. I realized I had to be kinder to myself, and if I don't accept myself then who else will! Finally, for once, I gathered all the courage and cried an ocean. I let my emotions out and faced reality. No, it wasn't easy at all. I had never seen myself so weak. The experience shook me so much that somewhere I decided not to get close to anyone that much. But like I keep saying, what is good without bad! These experiences are what make me stronger. Seriously, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. We become wiser by trauma, bitter lessons, bad experiences. And no matter how much we dislike the process, it is necessary to go through them to be the better and wiser version of ourselves. That brings me to the subject of this blog. 

I have heard these statements numerous times, "I can't be with one person.", "I don't want to get hurt", "I am just saving myself from the drama", "I don't give a f***", "It doesn't matter to me", "I don't care", "I don't want a relationship", "I will never get a person like him/her again." and many other versions. One common thing about all these statements is the emergence point. These statements are born out of fear and fear comes from insecurity.

We are afraid to lose ourselves while getting closer to someone. We are afraid, our feelings won't be reciprocated or we will get rejected. We are afraid to be taken for granted. Most important, we are afraid to gamble our feelings without any security. The only reason we don't get close to a new friend or show the real version of ourselves is because we are too afraid to expose our weaknesses. We are ready to get naked physically, but not mentally or emotionally. We don't want attachments that are strong because coming out of it is a greater challenge than climbing Mount Everest. We want to make sure the opposite person is more invested into us, so we can entertain them the way we like, but we want to invest cautiously, so it doesn't become unbearable to us. I call these, "Shallow connection" as the person refuses to grow separately as a person while creating a healthy relationship.

Jeff Brown, an author, has beautifully defined this thing, and I want you, my dear reader, to tell me if you can resonate with his words.

“Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first. Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives- they have another path and purpose to walk first. Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love's leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe. Sometimes they know something we don't- they know their limits at that moment in time. Real love is no easy path- Readiness is everything. May we grieve loss without personalizing it. May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.”

                                                                                                                                                         Jeff Brown 

Read it again and again until you understand the whole thing completely.

How does it work? That is my biggest question. Every relationship in our lives is a gamble. We don't know if the person is always going to be there or not. Every relationship is going to hurt us at some point in life, and that is the true measure to know if you, that person and the relationship are worthy. If the problem is bigger than the person, then that person is going to be a part of the past. If the person is bigger than the problem then he/she is always going to be a part of your life. We are fearful to have honest and real conversation because we don't want to look weak and stupid. But if you can't talk about uncomfortable things with your dear and near ones, then what the hell are you guys doing? We face a growing problem called, Hyper-Individualism (Click on the link to understand the meaning). We as humans need other people to heal. We cannot heal on our own. We cannot avoid people and attachments just to keep ourselves safe. That's not healing, that's isolating. That's how we all are connected. 

It's okie to get hurt in the process of knowing someone - romantically or unromantically. Feeling pain only makes us human. We are supposed to feel every aspect of our emotions, not just happy and positive ones. Its okie if a friendship breaks and you feel like crying, it is fine to outgrow an old friend and minimize interactions with them. It is completely normal to not be in love with the person you once were madly in love with. Acceptance is always the key. We are less afraid to venture into the share market and gamble in our professional life - when it comes to earning more money. However, when it comes to personal life and connection, we shut down. No one wants to feel pain and sorrow, but it is an essential part of life. Happiness is nothing without sadness. If we stop trying for love after one breakup, life will be so dull and robotic. Be open to a new person. I know it will hurt if it doesn't work, but imagine what if it works? Louis once asked Donna (Suits series reference), "How will I know she is the one for me?" "You can't!" She answered and continued, "But you will never know if you don't fight for her." There is a lovely takeaway from this conversation - we have to try and test it to know if it is meant to be or not. Otherwise, we will keep wondering. A disappointment after a rejection is better than a regret of not trying and imagining what-ifs. I say it again, feeling emotions of any kind makes us human, and we were made to feel these endless shades of emotions. This is one of the things that sets us apart from other spices. 

I am sure there are more than 50 shades of insecurity. We all have them. Don't be scared. At least fail by trying. Don't just sit and hope for things to happen. Victory comes to those who understand defeat. So, make new friends, be with somebody exciting and don't be scared of the outcome. You are stronger than you think. Life wasn't promised with the bed of roses. 

On that note, more power to you, my dear reader.

The Queen of Random Things

XOXO