Calling it Quits with you, Depression!

I wanted to share with my father that I am depressed, but my mouth would choke up whenever I tried opening it to discuss the subject. I had no courage to tell him I was depressed and thinking of ending my life. I couldn't gather the will to tell him that I disappointed him and that I was a bad daughter he shouldn't care about. It was a dark time of my life, and I don't exactly remember how I came out of it. But yes, it did make me stronger. 

I was in Mumbai when this devil entered my life. I was lying on a bed in the living room, looking blankly at the wall clock that showed it was passed 1. All I could think of at that moment was to bring a knife from the kitchen and cut the vein of my left hand. "By the time my roommates will reach, I will be dead." these were my exact thoughts at that moment. A part of me was astonished by that thought, forcing me to sit and call the physiatrist. Thank god I had taken her number from a friend of mine. 

After a day, I met her and spoke to her without filters. I let my emotions out and told her everything that hurt me to date. She heard me patiently, asked me questions when needed, consoled me with her words, and timely wrote something in her book. I told her I wanted to talk without judgment, filters, and hesitation. I wanted her to listen and tell me if anything was wrong. I was honestly heartbroken to see myself in that state. I couldn't pull myself up to check the mirror because I was scared to face the person I had become.  

Depression was a horrific experience. I have been low in my life but never had I ever thought of ending my life. I love my life too dearly to end it. That thought that afternoon was an eye-opener for me. People who know me would understand that I am never a person who gives up. I have always been a fighter - All my life. Today, I have no idea what crippled my mind that afternoon, but I am happy it's over. Nothing was going right in my life during that time -Professionally or Personally! I felt like I am a burden on society and everyone around me. I thought people tolerated me and I was not good enough to live this life. I was sure no one would miss me if I had died that afternoon. 

But I guess I am a coward because I couldn't take the knife in my hand to end it all. Instead, I went to a doctor to ask her to help me. "Doc! Will I ever be fine?" I asked her numerous time during the session. I told her I was suicidal and I was not feeling good about myself at all. The love of my life was getting married in a few months; I was looking for a job. I distanced myself from most of my friends because I didn't want to talk to them. I isolated myself so much that I was avoiding my roommates too. 

Strangely, while talking to the physiatrist, I realized I was able to find my problem's solution, and I was able to let go of things. I am a free spirit person, and she suggested not to keep anything bottled up. I am an expressive person when it comes to certain things. I had stopped meeting strangers, which I enjoyed the most. She asked me open myself again to possibilities, love, friendship, growth, money, etc. As I answered my own questions, she said I was one of her easiest cases (or so she says to everyone!). We did conclude that my depression was the result of suppressed emotions ---Emotions that I thought I handled, emotions that I never showed and accepted, emotions that I boxed up and threw in a corner, never to open. She asked me to open the box and let them out. "Acceptance is the biggest teacher, and experience is the biggest mentor."

My feelings were right. They weren't wrong. I couldn't face them with an open heart, so they became bigger and bigger for me to ignore. Thankfully, my physiatrist didn't give me any sleeping pills or medicine to make me feel better. She just asked me to start meeting unknown people again, going on dates, cooking more food, eating food I liked, and joked about sharing some with her. I was feeling a little lighter that evening after talking to her. While coming back, I called up a friend and told him everything truthfully. I let my tears out while I did that. His kind words helped me feel better. I couldn't tell my father, so I messaged him. He offered me everything possible in his power to make his baby girl feel good. But it was my battle that I had to fight, so I had to find my way.

I wasn't fine immediately. It was a process for me. One day at a time! I started going out, giggling over small things, meeting new people, cooking and serving my friends, and partying hard. A few weeks down the line, I was fine. I was able to joke around like before, risk going out to meet someone new, call up friends for dinner or lunch, and eat what I liked. Some people bring out the best in us, and some bring out the worst. I was able to identify what was the reason for this hit, and I was able to kick it out. Looking at the past, I realize I have made a bunch of mistakes, but I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I am what I am due to all those phrases I had not chosen to face. It was a close call for me, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Definitely, I wouldn't like to relive that. 

Since that experience, I stopped asking god, "Why me?" Instead, I ask him to give me the strength to surpass such toughies. Life isn't always a bed of roses. There are problems, complications, and trouble-makers, and they come in human form too. I have made peace with what stayed as a symbol of that period. I love my life again and will never dare to end it because थोड़ा है थोड़े की ज़रूरत है मगर ज़िंदगी फिर भी ख़ूबसूरत है. 

The Queen Of Random Things

XOXO